Wonder what Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out when he heard about Caster Semenya's private parts?
(Note to Joe: Statistically speaking, one in every 2000 people are born hermaphrodites, which means you represent about 350 in your district. Better watch what you say about that 'cause I have a hunch your next election's gonna be real close.)
Or when he heard the Governor of his state was hiking in the who-knows-what Mountains?
And for anyone who agrees with what he yelled at the President (yes, some would say "heckled," in which case Obama should have just sent drinks to his table.) the other night, would you kindly send me a transcript of Mr. Wilson's "shout outs" after he heard the following:
" We found the weapons of mass destruction..."
or
"The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium..."
or
"Read my lips - no new taxes."
or
We did not- repeat, did not - trade weapons or anything else for hostages, nor will we."
or
"I'm not a crook!"
Of course, maybe Wilson was just groovin' to his (hidden) IPod as Reba sang "You Lie" - and "spontaneously" decided to go "karaoke" on Obama.
Or maybe not. See, he and his family are recipients of (are you sitting down?) government run health care. Take a look: http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/thegaggle/archive/2009/09/10/joe-wilson-s-dirty-health-care-secret.aspx. Once again, the hypocrisy's so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Government-run, single payer healthcare is good for him (and his family); bad for us.
Hey, Joe, " I love you, I'll respect you in the morning and the checks in the mail."
Ironically, I have a hunch Joe - who's living a very charmed life - may just believe that's true.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Rubbermaid in Afghanistan?
We've all heard of Al-Qaeda in Iraq but Rubbermaid in Afghanistan? Tell me I didn't see a bajillion clear plastic storage containers being used in the Afghan elections? Were they from "The Container Store" in Kabul? (next to "Turban Outfitters" at the Kabul Galleria).
And how lucky was the container salesperson in that territory? Talk about low expectations. The first convesation between the salesperson and sales manager may have gone something like: "...yes, we know your territory's Afghanistan. Well, no, they haven't discovered clothes hangers or bar soap, yet - just do your best and .....and you sold how many? What election are you talking about...they need our containers for what?" Or, something like that.
Inside sources tell me bid requirement #2a - Ballot Boxes read: "easily stuffable...able to fit under bed." Must be a lotta high beds in Afghanistan. Of course, considering they lead the world in the production of opium, there's evidently a lotta "high" goin' on in Afghanistan. Which may explain the containers and the ceremonial dipping of fingers in ink - indelible, no less. (In a country not known for it's impeccable hygiene!)
Speaking of that time-tested finger dip, did anyone notice if they were using my all-time favorite 'Sheaffer Permanent Blue/Black #22?' Is that "finger dipping" thing just a ploy by the ballpoint pen industry, to use up all available fountain pen ink? Hmmm...before you know it, we'll be seeing IBM typewriters in Afghan offices, everywhere.
Good news is, those clear, plastic containers are sure signs - along with the rampant ballot stuffing - that the Afghans are catching up to us Americans. With any luck at all, they'll soon have Domino's Pasta Bread bowls. Shortly after that arrives, I imagine the recount will come to a crashing halt...as Afghans discover siestas. Just call it another gift from your friends in the USA.
And how lucky was the container salesperson in that territory? Talk about low expectations. The first convesation between the salesperson and sales manager may have gone something like: "...yes, we know your territory's Afghanistan. Well, no, they haven't discovered clothes hangers or bar soap, yet - just do your best and .....and you sold how many? What election are you talking about...they need our containers for what?" Or, something like that.
Inside sources tell me bid requirement #2a - Ballot Boxes read: "easily stuffable...able to fit under bed." Must be a lotta high beds in Afghanistan. Of course, considering they lead the world in the production of opium, there's evidently a lotta "high" goin' on in Afghanistan. Which may explain the containers and the ceremonial dipping of fingers in ink - indelible, no less. (In a country not known for it's impeccable hygiene!)
Speaking of that time-tested finger dip, did anyone notice if they were using my all-time favorite 'Sheaffer Permanent Blue/Black #22?' Is that "finger dipping" thing just a ploy by the ballpoint pen industry, to use up all available fountain pen ink? Hmmm...before you know it, we'll be seeing IBM typewriters in Afghan offices, everywhere.
Good news is, those clear, plastic containers are sure signs - along with the rampant ballot stuffing - that the Afghans are catching up to us Americans. With any luck at all, they'll soon have Domino's Pasta Bread bowls. Shortly after that arrives, I imagine the recount will come to a crashing halt...as Afghans discover siestas. Just call it another gift from your friends in the USA.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Silly is as silly does...
Who doesn't dislike being called "stupid?" Calling someone "stupid" can be, at best, an arbitrary description and, more likely, a condescending one. Ask Forrest Gump. He was always ready with the "Stupid is as stupid does..." rejoinder.
Of course, if you're at an "End the War" MeetUp - or your local Whole Foods store - calling Dick Cheney stupid is instant standing ovation. Ask Bill Maher and Jon Stewart.
But these days I can't stop thinking "stupid" wherever I go - whether I'm out or on the internet. But instead of a trigger word like "stupid" (which, by definition, means "weak-minded, lacking good sense...stupid or foolish." I know, can't seem to shake that word), I prefer to call these non-sequiter events "silly." "Silly" is kinder and gentler, to borrow a phrase (which, btw, came from the Father of President Stupid, aka #43.)
But my concern has to do with the fact that there seems to be an over-abundance of things I would call, not just silly but "severely" silly. In fact, I believe we've entered the "Age of Severely Silly." Allow me to explain.
Exhibit #1: In this "Age of Severely Silly," one thing that comes to mind is the ubiquitous unsolicited email we all receive. It advertises a medicinal cure, for lack of a better phrase, that will help you if, shall we say, you're a member of a certain demographic (defined by the way you answer the following): "Have you become an elephant with a trunk (always) pointing down?" I beg your pardon? Hmmm...have I turned into an elephant for reasons other than my slightly expanded waistline? Ouch!
Fact is that probably 50% - if not more - of these emails may go to females. While some may consider that "silly," a good case could be made for it being an clever move. Oh, and definitely NOT silly. Why? Because men would never admit to being elephants, if you know what I mean.
Well, then there's is always that one guy. And while it doesn't upset me to delete these stupid (ooops, sorry) emails every day, it's that "severely silly" moron (not me, honest) who boldly went where no man has gone and, yes, bought this crap - just because. Trust me, this moronic purchase did nothing more than invite every internet schlock merchant to load his (or maybe hers?) computer with mega viruses and mondo spam. Oh, and you can thank this smarty pants for igniting yet another launch - some may call it assault - of these silly "elephant trunk" emails.
Kinda like what happened when we all used to frequent those all-you-can-eat "chinese buffets," back in the day (yeah, of course - everyone else but you.) . The reason they multiplied faster than you-know-whats is because we ALL WENT TO THEM! It's the same with emails, folks. Delete, delete, delete! And by all means, don't even think of buying.
Exhibit #2. Here's another "silly." Yankee Stadium, that bastion of multimillionaire players, $20 hotdogs, $10 beers and, now, so many empty box seats down each baseline (their cost prohibits everyone who's name is not Trump or that schnorrer Giuliani from ever sitting in one of those seats) now has concession stands selling - get this - FRUIT! The Babe is now officially rolling over in his grave.
I can almost hear a typical fan now: "This game is friggin' unbelievable...bottom of the 'ate' inning, Yanks down by one, two outs and A-Rod's up with 'da bases loaded'. He's friggin' due, already. Know what I could go for now? A nice, juicy NECTARINE!" Right! I rest my case.
Exhibit #3. Gas station Men's Rooms. The first thing you need to know is most gas-station men's rooms don't even need signs on their doors. Anyone with normal olfactory receptors will surmise which one is the men's room. That, and the black fingerprint marks around the door handles which are also a dead giveaway.
Recently, on business trip, I made a quick stop - by necessity - to visit the men's room of a gas station on I-95 in Florida. Upon entering this "litle piece of heaven on earth," I saw the standard homophobic graffiti on the wall, right next to the "for a good time" note which was scratched - and almost erased, but still all too legible.
But neither of those made me pause like the "urinal sign." You see, the lone urinal in the place had been removed (dare I say ripped) from the wall. My assumption was because it didn't work or was being replaced - or both. The hole created by its temporary removal was covered in duct tape and brown paper. So far, so good.
What I saw next may be the "silliest" thing sign I've ever read. It was actually a handwritten note, taped onto the duct tape and brown paper, over the opening, which read in big block letters: "DO NOT USE." Really? Was this sign necessary? Hope not. Of course, as long as they were "signing," a better one might have read: "Please use feet to flush toilet - there's no soap, in the universe, strong enough to remove dirt you'll collect with a hand flush."
Exhibit #4. Finally, "silly" has become so prevalent, a trio of twenty-something guys (who else?) recently started a website called "People of Wal Mart" (www.peopleofwalmart.com). They post candid photos of Walmart shoppers just, well, being themselves. But, based on the photos I saw, being themselves usually involved mullets, various stages of undress, tattoos, butt cracks, ill-fitting clothes, 6-foot fingernails, etc. After perusing this website, you'll no longer wonder how George W. Bush was re-elected. Really. Or, if you're of a different political persuasion, how Barack Obama was elected. (Happy, now?)
Talk about silly, these guys hit the motherlode. In fact it's so "silly," the founders don't want any more "mullet" photos - they have too many. Too many. Did you digest that line? And we thought all these people were at so-called "Town Hall" meetings? Well, I guess not all the time. And "tea bagging," I hear, works up quite an appetite for food and cheap crap from China. And for these people, WalMart is the retailer of choice for both of these - and so much more.
Either way, it only reinforced my notion - as I'm sure it will yours - we're in the age of "severely silly." And so many seem to be participating. Stay tuned for more........
Of course, if you're at an "End the War" MeetUp - or your local Whole Foods store - calling Dick Cheney stupid is instant standing ovation. Ask Bill Maher and Jon Stewart.
But these days I can't stop thinking "stupid" wherever I go - whether I'm out or on the internet. But instead of a trigger word like "stupid" (which, by definition, means "weak-minded, lacking good sense...stupid or foolish." I know, can't seem to shake that word), I prefer to call these non-sequiter events "silly." "Silly" is kinder and gentler, to borrow a phrase (which, btw, came from the Father of President Stupid, aka #43.)
But my concern has to do with the fact that there seems to be an over-abundance of things I would call, not just silly but "severely" silly. In fact, I believe we've entered the "Age of Severely Silly." Allow me to explain.
Exhibit #1: In this "Age of Severely Silly," one thing that comes to mind is the ubiquitous unsolicited email we all receive. It advertises a medicinal cure, for lack of a better phrase, that will help you if, shall we say, you're a member of a certain demographic (defined by the way you answer the following): "Have you become an elephant with a trunk (always) pointing down?" I beg your pardon? Hmmm...have I turned into an elephant for reasons other than my slightly expanded waistline? Ouch!
Fact is that probably 50% - if not more - of these emails may go to females. While some may consider that "silly," a good case could be made for it being an clever move. Oh, and definitely NOT silly. Why? Because men would never admit to being elephants, if you know what I mean.
Well, then there's is always that one guy. And while it doesn't upset me to delete these stupid (ooops, sorry) emails every day, it's that "severely silly" moron (not me, honest) who boldly went where no man has gone and, yes, bought this crap - just because. Trust me, this moronic purchase did nothing more than invite every internet schlock merchant to load his (or maybe hers?) computer with mega viruses and mondo spam. Oh, and you can thank this smarty pants for igniting yet another launch - some may call it assault - of these silly "elephant trunk" emails.
Kinda like what happened when we all used to frequent those all-you-can-eat "chinese buffets," back in the day (yeah, of course - everyone else but you.) . The reason they multiplied faster than you-know-whats is because we ALL WENT TO THEM! It's the same with emails, folks. Delete, delete, delete! And by all means, don't even think of buying.
Exhibit #2. Here's another "silly." Yankee Stadium, that bastion of multimillionaire players, $20 hotdogs, $10 beers and, now, so many empty box seats down each baseline (their cost prohibits everyone who's name is not Trump or that schnorrer Giuliani from ever sitting in one of those seats) now has concession stands selling - get this - FRUIT! The Babe is now officially rolling over in his grave.
I can almost hear a typical fan now: "This game is friggin' unbelievable...bottom of the 'ate' inning, Yanks down by one, two outs and A-Rod's up with 'da bases loaded'. He's friggin' due, already. Know what I could go for now? A nice, juicy NECTARINE!" Right! I rest my case.
Exhibit #3. Gas station Men's Rooms. The first thing you need to know is most gas-station men's rooms don't even need signs on their doors. Anyone with normal olfactory receptors will surmise which one is the men's room. That, and the black fingerprint marks around the door handles which are also a dead giveaway.
Recently, on business trip, I made a quick stop - by necessity - to visit the men's room of a gas station on I-95 in Florida. Upon entering this "litle piece of heaven on earth," I saw the standard homophobic graffiti on the wall, right next to the "for a good time" note which was scratched - and almost erased, but still all too legible.
But neither of those made me pause like the "urinal sign." You see, the lone urinal in the place had been removed (dare I say ripped) from the wall. My assumption was because it didn't work or was being replaced - or both. The hole created by its temporary removal was covered in duct tape and brown paper. So far, so good.
What I saw next may be the "silliest" thing sign I've ever read. It was actually a handwritten note, taped onto the duct tape and brown paper, over the opening, which read in big block letters: "DO NOT USE." Really? Was this sign necessary? Hope not. Of course, as long as they were "signing," a better one might have read: "Please use feet to flush toilet - there's no soap, in the universe, strong enough to remove dirt you'll collect with a hand flush."
Exhibit #4. Finally, "silly" has become so prevalent, a trio of twenty-something guys (who else?) recently started a website called "People of Wal Mart" (www.peopleofwalmart.com). They post candid photos of Walmart shoppers just, well, being themselves. But, based on the photos I saw, being themselves usually involved mullets, various stages of undress, tattoos, butt cracks, ill-fitting clothes, 6-foot fingernails, etc. After perusing this website, you'll no longer wonder how George W. Bush was re-elected. Really. Or, if you're of a different political persuasion, how Barack Obama was elected. (Happy, now?)
Talk about silly, these guys hit the motherlode. In fact it's so "silly," the founders don't want any more "mullet" photos - they have too many. Too many. Did you digest that line? And we thought all these people were at so-called "Town Hall" meetings? Well, I guess not all the time. And "tea bagging," I hear, works up quite an appetite for food and cheap crap from China. And for these people, WalMart is the retailer of choice for both of these - and so much more.
Either way, it only reinforced my notion - as I'm sure it will yours - we're in the age of "severely silly." And so many seem to be participating. Stay tuned for more........
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