Is it safe?

Yes, I said those infamous three words.  In fact, it happened this morning, prior to my annual teeth cleaning and right after the Dental Hygienist told me I needed x-rays of my "wing teeth."

When did I grow those? Are they part of the middle age trifecta that includes nose hair and ear hair? Fifty-eight years old and never knew that I had wing teeth.  What's next, talon toenails?

My guess?  Probably a bird-loving children's dentist ("Open wide, Susie.  Dr. Harold's going to check the little....er..."wing teeth"...yeah, "wing teeth" there in the back of your mouth...").  And the term stuck!

But, to my original point...without so much as a tiny hesitation, those three infamous words bolted my brain, zoomed past my new wing teeth (that, for the record, were completely stationary)  and, before you could say "bicuspid," leapt out of my mouth: "Is it...safe?"

Olivier and Hoffman would have been proud! Check it out, here's the YouTube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG5Qk-jB0D4 

But, frankly, that's where the "Marathon Man" reference ended.  Without hesitation, her answer was: "Absolutely safe!"

And then she placed a 65-pound flak jacket over my torso.  And ran out of the room. 

Of course, as anyone who's visited a dentist in the last 5 years knows, the more important question would have been: "How much is this safe procedure going to cost me?"  Talk about scared - the answer to that one usually does make me shiver.  But I digress.

The zapping ended quickly (the room became 'absolutely safe,' again) and the main event - the cleaning of the teeth - began.  Two thoughts immediately came to mind as the teeth cleaning actually began:

First, why do dental hygienists still use the same archaic, medievel tools that my great grandfather's dentist had?  You know, those silver, mini ice picks they use to scrape plaque that's simultaneously stuck to your teeth and gums.  For the record, they were designed by the SS in pre-war Germany. Who else would invent such a device?

Second, why hasn't someone given any thought to inventing a plaque remover - a softener of sorts - that would make those gum-hating tools OBSOLETE?  Wasn't that part of the stimulus package? 

We have other softener 'thingies' out the wazoo: there's skin softeners, hair softeners, root softeners, callous softeners, nail softeners (and hardeners - talk about being conflicted!), mucus softeners, fabric softeners (threw that in to see if you're still paying attention), wart softeners and my all-time, absolute favorite: stool softeners!

Didn't any of those inventors consider plaque softener?  "Stool softeners" were higher on that list?  Callous softeners, too? Plaque softener sounds like a no-brainer, multi-level pyramid (or, at least a late-night infomercial; Billy Mays, when he was alive, would have been all over that one) waiting to happen.  Nothing but money; and a "Nobel Prize" winner for sure.

And don't even get me started on hardeners.  Of course, Viagra is the obvious first choice in that category but...oh, never mind, who could top that one (no pun intended).  

Anyway, with the gums appropriately picked, scraped, throbbing and sore, the teeth polishing festivities began.  For anyone who hasn't had this procedure in awhile, allow me to refresh your memory: MINT BAKING SODA!  Again, I ask, does this dental sand-blasting technique represent the best and the brightest of the dental industry?

By the time the polishing hit my lower quadrant I had swallowed more baking soda than you'd find in a seven-layer wedding cake.  But, the good news is - and all ' home remedy' people will appreciate this - I won't have to worry about an upset stomach for the rest of my life!  To that I say: Yo quiero taco bell!   (But, is it safe?)